Stockport Sports (NWCFL Premier Division)

Faking a concerned expression…it’s agony uncle time again

Dear Mager League,

Since stepping down as the Abbey first team manager I’ve found it very difficult to adapt to life outside of football. For example, yesterday I was having a tyre replaced on my Ford Sierra. When the mechanic asked whether it was an offside or nearside wheel that needed attention, I instinctively bellowed ‘OFFSIDE!’ and waved my hand in the air. I just don’t know what came over me. Please help.  

Baz Walker

Mager League says:

What a nightmare. Your time at Abbey was obviously very important to you and I can understand how hard it must have been to let it go. I think you need a clean break though, a new hobby, maybe. Ever tried line dancing? You’d be ace at it, I reckon.

Dear Mager League,

Every time our strikers blaze a shot over the Railway End crossbar it’s my job to climb two sets of ladders and retrieve the ball from the other side of the fence. This often results in me missing vital periods of play such as corners and sometimes even goals. Can you have a word?

Gary H

Mager League says:

I feel your pain Gary. Sometimes I’ll miss the first five minutes of the second half myself. Admittedly this is more down to eating pies and drinking tea in the clubhouse than anything else but it has caused me to miss a few goals this season. As for having a word with the strikers, have you seen the size of that lad Kwame Barnett? He’d rip my head off if I criticised his game. It’s another few months on the ladders for you I’m afraid pal.

Dear Mager League,

I tell you what the Abbey Stadium needs and has done for a long time. A speedway track. A rival to Belle Vue would definitely bring in some more punters. What do you say and could it be done this week in time for Runcorn on Saturday?

Paul

Mager League says:

As pleased as Derek the groundsman would be to build a dusty motorsport facility around the perimeter of his prize turf I’m not sure everyone else would be as enthusiastic. One of the joys of watching Abbey play from a fans perspective is the how close you get to the pitch. A track would compromise this and maybe even drive away the fans we already have. Couldn’t we have a look at a more realistic sport to branch out into? We could start small by installing a dartboard or a snooker table in the clubhouse perhaps. 

Dear Mager League,

I think my Michael Jackson obsession has gone a bit too far. While my Billie Jean ringtone was deemed acceptable by the lads in the dressing room, they’ve drawn a line when I asked them to start referring to my house as Neverland. Smithy suggested I write to you to sort this out. Please help.

MJ, I mean, Sam Jones

Mager League says:

I think the answer to all this lies, rather ironically, in the lyrics of Michael Jackson’s hit Man in the Mirror. You need to sit down in a darkened room, have a good long listen and indeed ‘change your ways’. Alternatively carry on as you are, every dressing room need a nutter. SHAMONE!