Colne (NWCFL Premier Division)

Rachel Fairburn, 30, is a Harpurhey comedian on the rise. She’s very funny. I caught up with her for a chat

How did you get into stand up comedy?

My Mum made me do it! I always used to write jokes and sketches as a kid and she always thought I should try stand up. I didn't agree but when I was 24 I saw an advert for a comedy course and signed up. I've loved it ever since. Mums know best.

Who are your heroes?

Comedy wise, I'd say Louis CK, Steve Coogan and ArmandoIanucci. Non-comedy, Liam Gallagher, even though he's a bit of a chump. He's a cool chump though. I'm a big Oasis fan.

Where do you source your set material?

Mainly from things that happen. I exaggerate them massively, I have a very over-active imagination. I'd be no good as a crime witness.

What has been your best gig so far?

Newcastle Stand about two weeks ago. Fantastic, up for it crowd.

And your worst?

Barnard Castle a few years ago. A man on the front row hated me and heckled before leaving with his dog. It turned out he was the landlord of the pub that booked the comedians! Sad thing was, I think his dog was really enjoying it.

Have you had any interesting heckles?

Hmm... mainly just ones where people are trying to be helpful.Like telling me they know someone who lives in a place I may mention in my set!  Nice yet distracting.

You’re rumoured to have a magic you-know-what. Care to elaborate on this?

Haha! Yes, every man I have had a relationship with has gone from being a struggling actor/comic/chef/tailor to having massive success! I put this down to a part of my anatomy they all knew quite well. If Abbey Hey aren't doing well at matches, I can pop into the changing room at half time and see what I can do.

Are you into football in any way shape of form?

I go to Manchester City games with my boyfriend. I like football. I'll watch any game.

What’s the best thing about Manchester?

Pubs and the history.

And the worst?

Mick Hucknall.

Describe Harpurhey in five words.

Not all that bad really.

Where can we catch you next?

All over the shop. I'm doing my first hour at the Kings Arms, Salford on 9 November. The show’s called All The Fun Of The Fairburn. Come and see it!

Silsden (NWCFL Premier Division)

Front of house

With the 4-2-3-1 formation in full swing, the big question is who starts up front. Gibbo has an embarrassment of riches in that department with three top drawer strikers.

I’m a big fan of Sam Jones’ playing style. He’s a great all rounder and can more than hold his own when up against tight marking. He put the goals away last season when it mattered as well as bagging a great equaliser from the bench away at Stockport last week.

However, the touches Richard Chetcuti has shown in his brief time with us and the continuing strong presence of Wes Harney when he’s come on from the bench would suggest we’re by no means close to having a settled frontline. Reckon we could get away with starting 13 players?

The only one I know

I was absolutely gutted to learn of the passing of Jon Brookes, the drummer and founder member of one of my favourite bands The Charlatans. Jon, 44, was diagnosed with a brain tumour three years ago and died last Tuesday with his family by his bedside. We saw The Charlatans in concert only a month ago but sadly Jon was too poorly to play. He is survived by his wife and three daughters. My thoughts are with them.

The Smiths

How mint is it that our central midfield shares the same name as arguably Manchester’s finest musical export? I wonder what Morrissey would make of their football. They never Panic that’s for sure. As team captain Paul can certainly take responsibility for being a Bigmouth. With his alleged penchant for the tanning booths I’d say Tommy would see himself as a more of a Handsome Devil than a Sweet and Tender Hooligan or a Rusholme Ruffian. Let’s just hope that come the end of the season neither of them has cause to say Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now.

Pure poetry

Here’s a tenuous Abbey and Silsden link that you definitely won’t have come across before. It’s also an excuse to see one of my favourite John Cooper Clarke poems in print.

In just four verses, the Salfordian punk poet manages to name-drop both Reddish (Lower Gorton if you will) and our visitors’ postal town of Keighley. Impressive.

I'll tell you now and I'll tell you firmly
I don't never want to go to Burnley
What they do there don't concern me
Why would anybody make the journey?

I'll tell you know and I'll tell you flatly
I don't never want to go to Gatley
I don't even want to go to Batley
Where is that place exactly

Do I wanna to go to Reddish?
I wouldn't visit in a souped-up sheddish
What am I some kind of Nebbish?
No I don't want to go to Reddish

I'll tell you now and I'll tell you briefley
I don't never want to go to Keighley
I'll tell you now, just like I told Elsa Lanchester...
I don't ever want to go to... Cumbernauld.

Norton United (NWCFL Premier Division)

With Norton United rolling up to the Abbey Stad tonight I have a confession to make. Up until Stoke City’s promotion to England’s top flight five years ago, I’d not managed to spend so much as an hour in our visitors’ hometown.

Since then I’ve watched United there a handful of times and even managed to meet a few like-minded souls.

One of them, an affable chap named Anthony Bunn, has recently cofounded his own printed publication, DUCK Magazine, in homage to his love for music, fashion and Stoke-on-Trent. I caught up with him for a quick chat ahead of tonight’s game.  

How did DUCK come about and what made you settle on its name?
My co-editor and I wanted to produce a magazine that we would buy and one that our city hadn't really seen before. ‘Duck’ is considered a term of endearment around our way. We now get free advertising every time someone in Stoke-on-Trent finishes a sentence.

What’s the local reception been like to it?
Issue One sold out within an hour at a Stoke game. I have two copies of it left and the feedback has been overwhelmingly mint. We seem to have struck a chord with Potteries folk.

How important was it to produce a printed edition?
We wanted DUCK to be read not just at the match but also in living rooms, gardens and on the bus/train. The printed word will never die, no matter how cheap and accessible media is in 2013.

You have a few non-league teams in Staffordshire. Ever get along to a match?
Not as much as I used to. It's a buzzing area for non-league sport, with thriving football and cricket leagues. Leek Town is always an ace day out as Leek has some of the best pubs anywhere. Norton United is three miles from where I live, a good club in an area called Smallthorne. If you visit, have a beer in a proper boozer called The King's Head which is walking distance from the ground.

What’s the best away trip you’ve ever been on with Stoke City and why?
Away trips are about the people you go with. As much as taking my kids can be a right chore at times, I will never forget the day when my seven-year-old lad 'got' football on a trip to Wembley. Also, I loved every one of the seventies grounds I visited with my late father. Nothing though will ever come close to my trips to watch Stoke pre-season in Austria with my mates and brother. Amazing country, great times.

Stoke has some notable musical heritage with its soul nights in the seventies and house nights in the nineties. What’s the current scene like?
I'm a 45-year-old dad-of-three. My finger slipped off the musical pulse a decade and several stone ago! Stoke has always had brilliant clubs - The Torch, Shelleys and Golden to name but three. Whilst clubbing seems all but dead, there's a decent local music scene led by the superb Sugarmill venue.
We tend to miss out on mid-sized bands visiting our city. They tend to go to Wolverhampton for some reason.

You have a soft spot for Manchester. What do you like most about our city?
The walk from Piccadilly station into town, accompanied by Massive Attack in your ears during the early nineties, couldn't be beaten. Whilst it’s evolved and is a great modern city to shop, eat, drink and go out in, I hope it doesn't lose its personality and become just another generic identikit city.

What is an oatcake and what do you do with them?
A savoury, round pancake-like thing of beauty which most fill with any of the following: cheese, sausage, bacon, mushrooms, tomatoes etc. The humble but precious oatcake shop can't be allowed to die.

What can we expect to read about in future issues of DUCK?
Stoke City is the glue that holds it together but it's just as likely to feature articles on the weirdos you see on trains and New Balance trainers. It comes out every two months as we try to show our club and city in a different light. We want acclaim, not profit.

Buy a copy at Duckmagazine.bigcartel.com and read Anthony’s musings on Twitter @DUCKmagstoke

Runcorn Linnets (NWCFL Premier Division)

Midway through the second half of Abbey’s ill-fated cup final appearance in April something happened that, according to Barry Walker, was a first in the club’s 101-year history. Singing at the match.

‘Elliott Goodwin on the wing, we had dreams and songs to sing, there’ll be glory on the fields of Abbey Hey’ bellowed out of the end we were attacking with extreme conviction.

But the noise wasn’t coming from the travelling fans or indeed any one from Manchester. The singers were local Runcorn teenagers who hadn’t a clue where Abbey Hey was but liked the cavalier football on show and decided to back us for the night.

Three months on and our paths cross again. We liked the youngsters’ enthusiasm and managed to track them down for a quick chat. Here’s what the Runcorn Youth’s elected spokesperson Ben Hodgson had to say.

Your club turned seven years old this year. What has it’s short life been like?

It has been brilliant but we have had three different managers in the last three years so it has been quite a rollercoaster ride. Things are currently looking more stable with Joey Dunn in charge and hopefully we’ll see a promotion push this season.

Tell us about the ‘Runcorn Youth’.

Quite simply, we are a group of lads aged 14 and 15 who just want to get behind our local team. Our numbers vary but on average around eight of us travel to matches around the north west with our handmade Runcorn Youth flag. We became a lot more organised last season and have a soft spot for Abbey Hey after a few of us got behind them at the recent cup final.

What do you like most about watching football at this level?

I think it has to be the strong player-fan relationship. Seeing players celebrate with the fans after scoring important goals really is superb.

You won the 2012/13 NWCFL Challenge Cup. What were your memories of the night?

Where to start with that! It was just a really special night and the feeling when we scored our penalty to seal the 3-0 victory shortly before the end was unbelievable. There are YouTube clips available online that capture the emotion perfectly - our end was a sea of limbs! A few of us joined the team on the pitch to celebrate after the final whistle only to be ordered off by a steward. Mike Tomlinson, our captain, saw this happening and kept us on the pitch where we ended up holding the trophy. It was brilliant.

Who was your stand out player of 2012/13?

Matty Atherton, a pacy left winger.

Do you have a song for him?

We sing 'Athers is a Linnet, Athers is a Linnet, na na na'.

Any other players get a song?

Oh, yes. Our favourite is the one we have for Kyle Hamid to the tune of Don’t You Want Me Baby: ‘Kyle Hamid baby, Kyle Hamid, ohhhhh’.

Describe your rivalry with Runcorn Town.

Our derby rivalry isn't one of hatred, just a case of wanting to outdo each other. That said, they can't compete with our attendances and support.

What’s the best away trip in the NWCFL Prem?

I’d have to say Winsford, due to the fact we can get there quickly on the train. Hopefully Abbey will become the best after today.

Tell us something about Runcorn Linnets that we don’t know.

Every single game in the 2012/13 cup run, except the final, went to extra time. We faced Stockport Sports away in the first game where Joey Dunn was a coach. Come the next round he was our new boss.

Predict the score this afternoon.

A 3-1 victory for the Linnets.