Congleton Town (FA Vase)

This week I opened up the floor to questions. An Abbey agony uncle if you will. Here’s the best of the bunch.

Dear Mager League,
When I signed for Ashton United the lads wouldn’t stop going on about the hot dogs at Ashton IKEA. They sounded good so I went into try one. This was two weeks ago. Since then I’ve not been able to find my way out. The place is just so big. I’m currently stranded between bedding and lighting and have missed three matches. Please help.
Martin Pilkington
Aisle Five

Mager League says:
What a predicament, Martin! I told you nothing good would come of you leaving Abbey but you wouldn’t listen. My only advice is to adapt to your new surroundings. Why not sign up for the IKEA staff football team to pass the time? I hear they play with a flat back four. 

Dear Mager League,

I’ve got a longstanding problem with linesmen. They just make me so mad. I’m normally a nice easygoing chap but put me within 10 yards of a sideline match official and I lose the plot. Please help.

Kind regards,

Derek D

Mager League says:

In cases like this I’d usually be tempted to offerthe same advice as I would to someone with road rage. Try counting to ten or picture a calming scene, maybe a meadow, some bunny rabbits or a duck pond. In this particular instance though I’d say crack on old boy. I’m not very fond of linesmen either, you see.

Dear Mager League,

I’m asking this for a friend. He’s recently been appointed as the manager of a local non league football team. During games he feels compelled to stand on top of the dug out and gesticulate wildly with his hands. What does this mean and should I be worried for him?  

Luke Gibson (Asking for a friend, remember)

Mager League says:

This sounds very serious. I remember a case just like it in the Isle of Man District League. The lad in question thought he was Mick Jagger.It got to the point where people would turn up to watch him rather than the team. This did nothing for morale and they were relegated soon after. Behaviour like this may very well be acceptable in the middle of the Irish Sea but here in Gorton we do things differently. Buy a deckchair if you really must take up an elevated viewing position.

Dear Mager League,

Since injuring my hand I’ve grown accustomed to watching the game from the side lines. I’ve really started to get into it. The pies, the beer,the craic with the grey-haired lads, it’s miles better than actually playing. Now my bones are healing, I’m worried about actually having to play again. Can you do anything about this?

Jonny Mac

Mager League says:

Great isn’t it. I wouldn’t worry too much just yet. The form young Ross has been showing of late would suggest that getting back in the team might not be as straightforward as you think. If however Gibbo decides to call on you I can write a sick note but it won’t be cheap. €400. In cash. Today.