Colne (NWCFL Premier Division)

Rachel Fairburn, 30, is a Harpurhey comedian on the rise. She’s very funny. I caught up with her for a chat

How did you get into stand up comedy?

My Mum made me do it! I always used to write jokes and sketches as a kid and she always thought I should try stand up. I didn't agree but when I was 24 I saw an advert for a comedy course and signed up. I've loved it ever since. Mums know best.

Who are your heroes?

Comedy wise, I'd say Louis CK, Steve Coogan and ArmandoIanucci. Non-comedy, Liam Gallagher, even though he's a bit of a chump. He's a cool chump though. I'm a big Oasis fan.

Where do you source your set material?

Mainly from things that happen. I exaggerate them massively, I have a very over-active imagination. I'd be no good as a crime witness.

What has been your best gig so far?

Newcastle Stand about two weeks ago. Fantastic, up for it crowd.

And your worst?

Barnard Castle a few years ago. A man on the front row hated me and heckled before leaving with his dog. It turned out he was the landlord of the pub that booked the comedians! Sad thing was, I think his dog was really enjoying it.

Have you had any interesting heckles?

Hmm... mainly just ones where people are trying to be helpful.Like telling me they know someone who lives in a place I may mention in my set!  Nice yet distracting.

You’re rumoured to have a magic you-know-what. Care to elaborate on this?

Haha! Yes, every man I have had a relationship with has gone from being a struggling actor/comic/chef/tailor to having massive success! I put this down to a part of my anatomy they all knew quite well. If Abbey Hey aren't doing well at matches, I can pop into the changing room at half time and see what I can do.

Are you into football in any way shape of form?

I go to Manchester City games with my boyfriend. I like football. I'll watch any game.

What’s the best thing about Manchester?

Pubs and the history.

And the worst?

Mick Hucknall.

Describe Harpurhey in five words.

Not all that bad really.

Where can we catch you next?

All over the shop. I'm doing my first hour at the Kings Arms, Salford on 9 November. The show’s called All The Fun Of The Fairburn. Come and see it!

Silsden (NWCFL Premier Division)

Front of house

With the 4-2-3-1 formation in full swing, the big question is who starts up front. Gibbo has an embarrassment of riches in that department with three top drawer strikers.

I’m a big fan of Sam Jones’ playing style. He’s a great all rounder and can more than hold his own when up against tight marking. He put the goals away last season when it mattered as well as bagging a great equaliser from the bench away at Stockport last week.

However, the touches Richard Chetcuti has shown in his brief time with us and the continuing strong presence of Wes Harney when he’s come on from the bench would suggest we’re by no means close to having a settled frontline. Reckon we could get away with starting 13 players?

The only one I know

I was absolutely gutted to learn of the passing of Jon Brookes, the drummer and founder member of one of my favourite bands The Charlatans. Jon, 44, was diagnosed with a brain tumour three years ago and died last Tuesday with his family by his bedside. We saw The Charlatans in concert only a month ago but sadly Jon was too poorly to play. He is survived by his wife and three daughters. My thoughts are with them.

The Smiths

How mint is it that our central midfield shares the same name as arguably Manchester’s finest musical export? I wonder what Morrissey would make of their football. They never Panic that’s for sure. As team captain Paul can certainly take responsibility for being a Bigmouth. With his alleged penchant for the tanning booths I’d say Tommy would see himself as a more of a Handsome Devil than a Sweet and Tender Hooligan or a Rusholme Ruffian. Let’s just hope that come the end of the season neither of them has cause to say Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now.

Pure poetry

Here’s a tenuous Abbey and Silsden link that you definitely won’t have come across before. It’s also an excuse to see one of my favourite John Cooper Clarke poems in print.

In just four verses, the Salfordian punk poet manages to name-drop both Reddish (Lower Gorton if you will) and our visitors’ postal town of Keighley. Impressive.

I'll tell you now and I'll tell you firmly
I don't never want to go to Burnley
What they do there don't concern me
Why would anybody make the journey?

I'll tell you know and I'll tell you flatly
I don't never want to go to Gatley
I don't even want to go to Batley
Where is that place exactly

Do I wanna to go to Reddish?
I wouldn't visit in a souped-up sheddish
What am I some kind of Nebbish?
No I don't want to go to Reddish

I'll tell you now and I'll tell you briefley
I don't never want to go to Keighley
I'll tell you now, just like I told Elsa Lanchester...
I don't ever want to go to... Cumbernauld.

Norton United (NWCFL Premier Division)

With Norton United rolling up to the Abbey Stad tonight I have a confession to make. Up until Stoke City’s promotion to England’s top flight five years ago, I’d not managed to spend so much as an hour in our visitors’ hometown.

Since then I’ve watched United there a handful of times and even managed to meet a few like-minded souls.

One of them, an affable chap named Anthony Bunn, has recently cofounded his own printed publication, DUCK Magazine, in homage to his love for music, fashion and Stoke-on-Trent. I caught up with him for a quick chat ahead of tonight’s game.  

How did DUCK come about and what made you settle on its name?
My co-editor and I wanted to produce a magazine that we would buy and one that our city hadn't really seen before. ‘Duck’ is considered a term of endearment around our way. We now get free advertising every time someone in Stoke-on-Trent finishes a sentence.

What’s the local reception been like to it?
Issue One sold out within an hour at a Stoke game. I have two copies of it left and the feedback has been overwhelmingly mint. We seem to have struck a chord with Potteries folk.

How important was it to produce a printed edition?
We wanted DUCK to be read not just at the match but also in living rooms, gardens and on the bus/train. The printed word will never die, no matter how cheap and accessible media is in 2013.

You have a few non-league teams in Staffordshire. Ever get along to a match?
Not as much as I used to. It's a buzzing area for non-league sport, with thriving football and cricket leagues. Leek Town is always an ace day out as Leek has some of the best pubs anywhere. Norton United is three miles from where I live, a good club in an area called Smallthorne. If you visit, have a beer in a proper boozer called The King's Head which is walking distance from the ground.

What’s the best away trip you’ve ever been on with Stoke City and why?
Away trips are about the people you go with. As much as taking my kids can be a right chore at times, I will never forget the day when my seven-year-old lad 'got' football on a trip to Wembley. Also, I loved every one of the seventies grounds I visited with my late father. Nothing though will ever come close to my trips to watch Stoke pre-season in Austria with my mates and brother. Amazing country, great times.

Stoke has some notable musical heritage with its soul nights in the seventies and house nights in the nineties. What’s the current scene like?
I'm a 45-year-old dad-of-three. My finger slipped off the musical pulse a decade and several stone ago! Stoke has always had brilliant clubs - The Torch, Shelleys and Golden to name but three. Whilst clubbing seems all but dead, there's a decent local music scene led by the superb Sugarmill venue.
We tend to miss out on mid-sized bands visiting our city. They tend to go to Wolverhampton for some reason.

You have a soft spot for Manchester. What do you like most about our city?
The walk from Piccadilly station into town, accompanied by Massive Attack in your ears during the early nineties, couldn't be beaten. Whilst it’s evolved and is a great modern city to shop, eat, drink and go out in, I hope it doesn't lose its personality and become just another generic identikit city.

What is an oatcake and what do you do with them?
A savoury, round pancake-like thing of beauty which most fill with any of the following: cheese, sausage, bacon, mushrooms, tomatoes etc. The humble but precious oatcake shop can't be allowed to die.

What can we expect to read about in future issues of DUCK?
Stoke City is the glue that holds it together but it's just as likely to feature articles on the weirdos you see on trains and New Balance trainers. It comes out every two months as we try to show our club and city in a different light. We want acclaim, not profit.

Buy a copy at Duckmagazine.bigcartel.com and read Anthony’s musings on Twitter @DUCKmagstoke

Runcorn Linnets (NWCFL Premier Division)

Midway through the second half of Abbey’s ill-fated cup final appearance in April something happened that, according to Barry Walker, was a first in the club’s 101-year history. Singing at the match.

‘Elliott Goodwin on the wing, we had dreams and songs to sing, there’ll be glory on the fields of Abbey Hey’ bellowed out of the end we were attacking with extreme conviction.

But the noise wasn’t coming from the travelling fans or indeed any one from Manchester. The singers were local Runcorn teenagers who hadn’t a clue where Abbey Hey was but liked the cavalier football on show and decided to back us for the night.

Three months on and our paths cross again. We liked the youngsters’ enthusiasm and managed to track them down for a quick chat. Here’s what the Runcorn Youth’s elected spokesperson Ben Hodgson had to say.

Your club turned seven years old this year. What has it’s short life been like?

It has been brilliant but we have had three different managers in the last three years so it has been quite a rollercoaster ride. Things are currently looking more stable with Joey Dunn in charge and hopefully we’ll see a promotion push this season.

Tell us about the ‘Runcorn Youth’.

Quite simply, we are a group of lads aged 14 and 15 who just want to get behind our local team. Our numbers vary but on average around eight of us travel to matches around the north west with our handmade Runcorn Youth flag. We became a lot more organised last season and have a soft spot for Abbey Hey after a few of us got behind them at the recent cup final.

What do you like most about watching football at this level?

I think it has to be the strong player-fan relationship. Seeing players celebrate with the fans after scoring important goals really is superb.

You won the 2012/13 NWCFL Challenge Cup. What were your memories of the night?

Where to start with that! It was just a really special night and the feeling when we scored our penalty to seal the 3-0 victory shortly before the end was unbelievable. There are YouTube clips available online that capture the emotion perfectly - our end was a sea of limbs! A few of us joined the team on the pitch to celebrate after the final whistle only to be ordered off by a steward. Mike Tomlinson, our captain, saw this happening and kept us on the pitch where we ended up holding the trophy. It was brilliant.

Who was your stand out player of 2012/13?

Matty Atherton, a pacy left winger.

Do you have a song for him?

We sing 'Athers is a Linnet, Athers is a Linnet, na na na'.

Any other players get a song?

Oh, yes. Our favourite is the one we have for Kyle Hamid to the tune of Don’t You Want Me Baby: ‘Kyle Hamid baby, Kyle Hamid, ohhhhh’.

Describe your rivalry with Runcorn Town.

Our derby rivalry isn't one of hatred, just a case of wanting to outdo each other. That said, they can't compete with our attendances and support.

What’s the best away trip in the NWCFL Prem?

I’d have to say Winsford, due to the fact we can get there quickly on the train. Hopefully Abbey will become the best after today.

Tell us something about Runcorn Linnets that we don’t know.

Every single game in the 2012/13 cup run, except the final, went to extra time. We faced Stockport Sports away in the first game where Joey Dunn was a coach. Come the next round he was our new boss.

Predict the score this afternoon.

A 3-1 victory for the Linnets.

Mossley (pre season friendly)

Kendal? Mint
I’m in The Lakes today. Kendal Calling music festival to be precise. As the game kicks off it’s highly likely that I’ll already be four pints into the day and gearing up to see Brummie scallywags The Twang.
This is our third trip up here and the reason we come back is quite simple. In our 15 years of festival going Kendal is the best one we’ve ever been to.
It’s basically a chance to see semi-stellar bands in a fantastically compact country park without the premium price tag of say Leeds or Glastonbury.
Another plus point is the interaction between the stars of the show and the paying public. The festival’s intimate nature combined with a really friendly atmosphere often sees established bands milling around the bars and chatting to punters. Not a million miles away from how it is at Abbey.
Top of my must-see list this year are Northwich veterans The Charlatans, hip hop legends Public Enemy and guitar god Johnny Marr. I’ve heard the latter may even throw in a few Smiths tunes.
My ethos over the years has generally been the-more-the-merrier which is good because tales of last year’s escapades have spread and this time around there are almost 20 of us on the trip. Not bad going seeing as we’re all in our thirties. Just hope the weather stays nice.

Picture perfect
If you’re at a loose end this summer then you could do a lot worse than hop on a bus into town and take in football photographer Stuart Roy Clarke’s free exhibition at the National Football Museum in Cathedral Gardens.
I’ve been a fan of Stuart’s work for a number of years now and marvel at the way he manages to capture the off-the-pitch side of football that all-to-often goes unnoticed in the Sky Sports age. The oddities, the quirks, the expressions, the characters, they’re all there. He also sees the same beauty I do in a forgotten ramshackle non league main stand.
This latest series of photographs is called True Colours and was taken throughout last season. It captures the peaks and troughs of following a team home and away and subjects range from promotion joy at Cardiff to relegation battles at Oldham. He describes the work as “wanting to get across that feeling of first love...to show the raw affection and undying loyalty to clubs who put us through the shredder”.
Got to be worth a couple of hours in my book.

Home comforts
Me and the nephews were debating where the best viewing spot is at the Abbey Stad. A tricky one as all four sides have their pros and cons.
The main stand has the obvious advantage of a roof but can feel a bit distant from the action with its set back position. The Railway End is ace in the first half and offers a great option for latecomers with its proximity to the car parking area. There’s generally no one down here though so if you’re on your own it can get a bit lonely.
The clubhouse side is where the action happens. Always busy, this side is great if you fancy a brew but your view can sometimes be obscured when Gibbo climbs up on top of the dugout. He’ll tell you he’s trying to get a better view of the action but really he’s living out the rock and roll dream of being on stage. Watch out for his sly air guitar.
Finally the Entrance End, a part of the ground that’s right in the thick of things as far as second half excitement goes. The downside to this spot is that anyone who stands here becomes an involuntary ball boy and will inevitably spend the most exciting part of the match chasing wayward shots down the banking. That said, if you’ve got a nephew or two in tow to cover this duty then the Entrance End maybe shades it.
What? It’s raining? Right, I’ll be in the clubhouse watching from the window. Mine’s a Holts.

Hyde FC (pre season friendly)

Jeff Parish makes up one half of the Soul Twins, a Manchester DJ combo that specialises in funk, soul, hip hop and reggae. With his identical twin Stuart, Jeff has forged a solid 10-year reputation that has landed the pair a number of high profile residencies. Among these is their regular Saturday slot in Bluu Bar on Thomas Street, a nightspot our first team squad will be more than familiar with. I met Jeff in town for a pint to listen to him talk enthusiastically about his five favourite records of all time and why we should own them.

The Temptations - I could never love another (After loving you)
This song has quite a tragic story behind it. The lyrics were penned by Roger Penzabene who killed himself after finding out his wife was cheating on him. It is also the last single to feature David Ruffin on lead vocals. The pain of Roger's lyrics is brought to life perfectly by Ruffin's raw vocal performance and it is definitely one of my favourite Temps tracks.

Theo Parrish - Summertime is here
Theo is often labelled as a house music producer but to me he is so much more. This track for example showcases his jazz background. Parrish once said that ‘DJing should be you presenting your record collection to the crowd’ and this tune does exactly that. You can hear all the different influences of his collection, from the infectious rhythm of the JBs to the freestyle anything-goes style of Miles Davis.

Slum Village - The look of love
This one is from the now-deceased legendary producer J Dilla. It is probably one of the first tracks of his I bought after hearing it at club nights like Eyes Down in town. Dilla grew in stature on the underground scene after music fans started passing around mix tapes with tracks like this on them. As a result, the crowd knew every lyric before he’d even had a record out.

Moodymann – Don’t you want my love
Kenny Dixon Jnr AKA Moodymann is one of the real characters of the Detroit music scene. His unwillingness to do interviews and desire to keep a low profile only adds to the man’s enigma. Moodymann is the DJ I love listening to more than any other. He produces exactly like he DJs too with a nod to black underground music from the past. This tune for example is a reworking of The Crusaders’ Spiral. It has been in my record bag from the day I first DJ’ed.

Jackie Wilson - Because of you
This last one is a nod to my mam and dad, two massive northern soul fans. I will always remember going to northern soul nights in pubs around Prestwich, Whitefield and other glamourous north Manchester locations. Jackie Wilson's voice is phenomenally powerful and he hits every note perfectly on this monster of a record.

For more recommendations interspersed with sharp observational humour, follow Jeff on Twitter @soultwinjeff

Ramsbottom United (pre season friendly)

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
Close season is a fascinating time when your team has just come off the back of a successful campaign. You’ve set the benchmark, your reputation is spreading and tons of lads want to play for you.
But after last year’s heroics, it was inevitable that in turn there would be sizeable local interest in some of our players. At the time of writing, a handful have been snapped up by larger clubs but the spine and guts of the red and black beast remain largely in tact. Killer’s move to Ashton United is an obvious blow but the devastating form young Sam Jones showed in both the run in and pre season suggests that it’s not all doom and gloom. The loss of right back Alex Byrne to Glossop North End is bound to have an impact too but going into the new season with four fifths of last year’s superb defensive unit has to be seen to be a bonus. 
It’s testament to the club that so many of the Barry Walker-crafted side want to stick around and work with ambitious new boss Luke Gibson in the Premier League. If all goes to plan, the departed may look back midway through the season secretly wishing they were still part of this great set up. Whatever happens we wish them well.

Enough to make yer Nantwich
The friendly at Crewe FC at the start of the month proved to be a splendid little afternoon out, but only one nephew joined me for it. The younger one wanted to go to the cinema instead. On a Saturday afternoon.
He’ll learn. As injured goalkeeper Jonny Mac rightly pointed out on the sidelines, there were more than likely to have been girls involved.
Similar opportunities weren’t available at Reaseheath College, Nantwich. What we got though was a good first hand look at some of Gibbo’s hopefuls for 2013/14 with second half handbags involving a cannonball shaped goalkeeper thrown in for good measure (pictures available on the website). Not bad for free admission.
Flame-haired Maltese frontman Richard Chetcuti, who has represented his country at under-21 level, opened his Abbey account with a well taken brace and is definitely one to keep an eye on over the coming weeks.

Revenge is a dish West served cold

How good was the FA Cup draw? If those three battles with West Didsbury and Chorlton last season were anything to go by we should be in for a real treat on August 17. In the first encounter at leafy Brookburn Road Killer’s second half thunderbolt should have been enough to bag the three points but unfortunately it was bettered by resilient well-organised Didsbury comeback and two late goals. Killer was sidelined with an acute case of man-flu for the return leg which produced a solid home win played out at a snowy Abbey Stad. Our cup final defeat in neutral Runcorn we know about all too well. How the Reds didn’t score in that second half I’ll never know. Credit to West though for another resilient display but that makes it two victories to our one now. This needs addressing and what on what better platform is there to do it on than in the FA Cup. Bring them on.